I have been wanting to share my story for a while, yet never quite knew how to start. To be honest, I still don’t know how to start or even describe all the ins and outs of my story. On so many levels it is so complex and intricate and there are so many words…and yet, I find myself lost for words. And I feel that what I am about to write will only just be scraping on the surface of all that was my journey with my ED.
But first. Hello. My name is Phoebe Jobson and I am in recovery from a Restrictive Eating Disorder. I hope in sharing my story and experiences it can help even just one beautiful soul struggling with the debilitating condition that is an Eating Disorder (ED). But please know, right here and right now, that you do have the power to overcome your ED if you want to. It takes hard work and dedication, but boy is it worth it. You are not your ED, and you need to know that.
I also have to mention that everyone’s ED journey is different, and although there will be similarities from story to story, my story is unique and so is yours. I am just one person in the 16% of Australians that experience an Eating Disorder. What worked for me, may not necessarily work for you. This is simply my story, coming out of my brain and my heart, to you.
When did it all begin and why?
I can remember as early back as to when I was around 10 yrs. old. I know I was in the later years of primary school when I started going for jogs because I thought that was what I should do and thought I should lose some weight. I clearly remember someone at school calling me ‘chubby’ around this time and I didn’t like it one bit. I remember I was always asking my adorable younger brother (5 years my younger), whether he thought I was ‘fat’. “Do I look fat?” “You have to tell me if ever you think I look fat” “Am I big?” etc. And bless the beautiful child, he always said I looked just fine.
These younger years of my ED are a blur to me, and they certainly weren’t my worst. But what I do know is that my ED started creeping in. I remember starting to say no to certain foods at parties, picnics, family gatherings etc. It would take all my might to say no, because my 10 yr. old self really wanted to eat whatever it was. My heart and stomach were saying “eat me, I am delicious” and my head was saying “No way. Say no. You can’t eat that. Say no. Say no”. And slowly, over time, I started listening more and more to that mean, overpowering, untrue, nasty voice inside my head. If that voice were a real person, I would never have been friends with them, and that would have been the end of it. The problem was, the voice was not a person, it was in fact stuck inside my own head.
Why did my ED start in the first place? I have no idea. I had the most wonderful upbringing with the most supportive family. I may be genetically predisposed, have the classic ‘perfectionist’, ‘hardworking’ personality, perhaps learnt behaviours, the media, ‘social norms’, I was raised in the ‘90s’ which was part of the ‘non-fat’ era, anxiety…I am not sure. There was no one defining event. It just seemed to happen over time.
Some years were better than others. I remember when I was in year 12, I was pretty stable. I suppose I was preoccupied with my studies, being school captain and enjoying my final year of school with my friends. A physical sign that I was in a more stable position and at a healthy weight for me, was my period started this same year. All my friends had got their periods well before me, but my first proper period kicked in during this year, when I was 17.
Other years were not so great. My worst years were probably from straight out of high school up until when I started seeing my Psychologist. So, 2009-2015. These years were hard on so many levels. That ED voice was screaming at me most hours of the day. Over these six years it would ebb and flow, yet it remained pretty constant. It consumed my every thought, feeling and action.
Every. Single. Waking. Moment. Was. Consumed. By. Thoughts. And. Actions. Around. Food. Exercise. Weight. And. Body Image.
I remember not even using a hand wash which contained Shea Butter as I feared the word ‘butter’ and thought it would somehow seep into my skin and make me put on weight. During these darker years I upped the exercise, restricted my food intake bit by bit and slowly but surely kept losing weight. I would jump on the scales multiple times a day. Each time I dropped another kilo, that was my new benchmark, my new normal, my new weight that I wasn’t allowed to go above. My days were filled with compensatory and restrictive thoughts/behaviours around food and exercise. I was constantly tightening the screws, losing more weight and for what? To weigh the very least I could, because ‘weight gain’ and ‘fat’ was my ultimate fear above anything else. The list of foods I wasn’t allowed to eat got bigger and bigger, my jogs got longer and longer and I got smaller and smaller.
On one hand my ED was so happy. She was so happy that I kept losing weight, and so proud of me. She would praise me and say really encouraging things. It felt good. And on the other hand, myself, Phoebe, was physically and mentally miserable. I had lost my period, was often bloated, irritable, often head-achey, fatigued, highly strung, my appetite was all over the place, my skin wasn’t great, I was confirmed anaemic (most likely had numerous other nutritional deficiencies as well), was constantly anxious, felt I wasn’t being a great friend, family member or partner, had issues sleeping, cried often for no apparent reason, feared going out on social occasions that involved eating and would do anything I could to avoid it (often saying no to going out with my favourite people), I had lost my true sense of humour and ability to be spontaneous… and the list goes on and on. And yet, I couldn’t see any of this. I couldn’t see any of what I was losing apart from that on the scales. That is all I saw and really, all that mattered. I was not in a good place.
What made me finally seek help?
Thank you for reading so far. If any of this sounds familiar, please feel free to get in touch. I understand what you are going through and am here to help you get back to nourishing every cell in your body. Furthermore, if you know or think you might have an eating disorder, please speak with your GP or healthcare professional. You can also contact a number of support services such as The Butterfly Foundation https://butterfly.org.au/. You are not alone, and there are so many strategies and professional healthcare workers that can help you on your journey to recovery.
Love Nutmeg xxx
